Beyond Surviving
Following the suicide of her son, Iris Bolton wrote a compilation of suggestions for survivors.[1]
- Know you can survive, you may not think so, but you can
- Struggle with WHY it happened until you no longer need to know why, or until you are satisfied with partial answers.
- Know you may feel overwhelmed by the intensity of your feelings but all your feelings are normal
- Be aware you may feel appropriate anger at the person, at the world, at God, at yourself. It’s OK to express it.
- You may feel guilty for what you think you did or did not do. Guilt can turn into regret through forgiveness.
- Having suicidal thoughts is common. It does not mean you will act on those thoughts.
- Remember to take one moment or one day at a time
- Find a good listener with whom to share. Call someone if you need to talk.
- Don’t be afraid to cry. Tears are healing
- Give yourself time to heal
- Remember, the choice was not yours. No one is the sole influence in another’s life.
- Expect setbacks. If emotions return like a tidal wave you may only be expressing a remnant of grief, an unfinished peace
- Give yourself permission to get professional help
- Be aware of the pain of your family and friends.
- Set your own limits and learn to say no.
- Steer clear of people who want to tell you how or what to feel.
- Know that there are support groups that can be helpful, such as Compassionate Friends or Survivors of Suicide Groups. If not, ask a professional to help start one.
- The willingness to laugh at others and at yourself is healing.
- Wear out your questions, anger, guilt or other feelings until you can let them go. Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting
- Know that you will never be the same again, but you can survive and even go beyond just surviving...
[1] Bolton I, (1983) My Son…My Son…A Guide to Healing After Death, Loss, or Suicide. Roswell, GA: Bolton Press Atlanta.
